My little man

So there’s this boy.
He kind of stole my heart.
He calls me “mommy”.

A note to a piece of my heart: Zachary.

Two years ago, you turned my world upside down. I could have never imagined how much my life was going to change being the mother of such an amazing little boy. You are really your own person. The total opposite of your sister. I have been learning so much from you. And enjoying every minute.

You are such an energetic little boy. So full of energy, going full throttle all day long. I don’t think you ever stop and sit. You love to play with your trucks and trains. You adore your sister and imitate her all the time. You get really upset when she doesn’t want to play with you. Your love for life is contagious. And your stubbornness is to be reckoned with. Not a day goes by that I don’t hear “I do it!!!!” We have our battles because you are adamant about being so independent.

Despite your stubborn streak and independence, you love your family very much. You love to snuggle and be held. It’s common to hear you asking to be picked up, usually when I am trying to do the dishes or make dinner. Bedtime is always a nice way to end the day. Snuggles in the chair while we read books. And then you stalling when Mommy and Daddy try to leave your room.

So full of love and life. You bring a certain type of joy to this house. I know that I am one of the luckiest and blessed moms in the world to call you my son. I am full of gratitude. I don’t want you to grow up too fast but I am looking forward to watching you grow and blossom.

Last Day

Today was Emily’s last day of her first year of preschool. It was truly a bittersweet day for her. She was so excited to be going to school, as she loves her classmates and teachers, but she was also very sad that it was her last day. She actually thought it was last week and started crying while she was talking to my sister-in-law’s boyfriend about it. She’s a very sensitive girl. Can’t imagine where she gets it from.

She was bouncing off the walls this morning before we left. I have never seen her jet out of the car so quick when the teachers came to get her. Zachary and I went off and did our thing while she spent her last day at school until the fall. I didn’t really give it another thought. Until I came to pick her up. I can’t believe it. I wasn’t expecting it. I got all choked up and teary when I saw the teachers taking the kids to their cars. They hugged each and every one of them. I almost lost it when I saw Emily hug her two teachers. I cannot, for the life of me, explain the overwhelming emotions. I guess it has something to do with the fact that this was Emily’s first year in preschool. She really enjoyed it and thrived. She loved her friends and her teachers and was truly sad to leave for the summer.

I hope she continues to love school throughout her many years. Next year is another adventure- pre-k! She misses the cut-off for kindergarten by several months.

Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day. A day at one point I wasn’t sure that I would ever celebrate. And here I am. Celebrating with two of the best kids in the world. God must have thought I have done something right to let me raise these two little children. They are a true blessing. There are days, many days, where bedtime cannot come soon enough but every day is a gift. My children frustrate me, make me laugh, make me cry and cause me to pause. They cause me to see the world through their eyes. A world where things are new and unusual. They drive me crazy! Endless questions, the inability to go to the bathroom by myself…… All worth it at the end of the day. Seeing Emily and Zachary playing together makes my heart sing.  Watching Zachary walk around the house with his hands behind his back, his numerous funny expressions. Makes me laugh. Listening to Emily sing, watching her dance. Brightens my day.

It is because of those two little souls that I celebrate Mother’s Day. I do not work outside of the home but I work very hard. Mother’s Day made me realize how much my husband and children appreciate me. A little bit anyway.

I got many snuggles from my two, a yummy lunch and dinner and some amazing gifts. The funniest one being the Scooby Doo game that I really enjoy playing with Emily. Shhh!!! I let her win.  But more than anything, I got to spend time with my family. And I didn’t have to do everything. Thank you Stephen!

As much as I sometimes complain, as often as I fall asleep on the couch at the end of the day from exhaustion, as much as I want to cry some days, I am blessed.

Two of the loves of my life

4 years ago

Four years ago my life changed forever. My name became “mommy”. I never knew that my heart could hold so much love for someone who I had just met but have known their entire life. The moment Emily entered the world, I knew that she was someone special. She was my daughter. She filled this hole that was in my heart with her tiny cries and warm snuggles.
Four years ago. Seems like it was only yesterday that I was crying tears of joy and disbelief when the nurse called to tell that I was having a baby. A lot has changed in the past four years but one thing has remained constant. My love for that little girl has never wavered. And never will.

I have this little angel. For me she left her wings.
She has no idea how much happiness she truly brings.
She brightens up my days with her smiles and her laughs.
She helps me to remember all the blessings that I have.

Her face, it is so perfect, she’s sweet and soft and pure.
Sometimes she can be willful and sometimes she is demure.
She tries her very hardest to please and do what’s right.
She gives the greatest hugs from morning until night.

I know that God must love me, He showed me with His Grace
I knew just how completely when I saw my angel’s face.
And in that very moment when she came into my world,
I knew that she was so much more than just my baby girl.

She would be my sunshine, with a sweetness that won’t end.
And when she grows up one day she would be my closest friend.
She would be the reason I would always try my best.
For my little angel baby girl would be my greatest test.

When God entrusts to you an angel, who has left her wings for you.
Encircle her with love with everything you do.
Let her know God made her, and that He trusts you with her care.
Be sure to make time for special moments with her to share.

And when at night she finally says her prayers and goes to sleep
I Thank Him for my angel, and ask for him to always keep
A watchful eye and hand to protect her from this world.
Protect my little angel; protect my baby girl.

Tina M. Marascia

Original Video – More videos at TinyPic

Say what?

When I took Zachary for his check up they were asking questions about his development. Does he crawl? Yes. Does he stand? Yes. Does he wave? Uhhhh, no. Does he clap? I don’t think so. Does he point? I don’t know.
How do I not know these things? Then I realized that the second children really do get the shaft in a way. I really worked with Emily on some of these things. I knew when she accomplished new things. Poor Zachary. I feel guilty that he doesn’t get as much one on one time as Emily did. I am always trying to divide my time between the two if them and not really doing a great job. I have major mommy guilt about this. Especially after coming off of a week of single-momdom. I really need to let some housework go at times and really focus on my kids. They grow way too fast. Dust bunnies will always be there but my babies won’t.

That was totally not what I meant to write about. I got way off track. A few days after Zachary’s appointment he waved! I was so excited when he waved as I was getting ready to leave. And he said his “first” word.
He says momma and dada but not often. I think he uses those words to me Stephen and myself but I am the person who doesn’t know if her kid claps. He also says baba and I know he means that for his bottle. But he said a real word on Tuesday! Not that the others aren’t words but you know what I mean. He said “bye bye”!
It’s kind of funny too because Stephen was out of town this week and made a comment about how he would miss something regarding Zachary. Zach must have heard him because he said bye bye the day after Stephen left.
And no, I am not hearing things. Emily has heard him say it. Yeah, she doesn’t really count, does she? Well, Grandma heard him say it too so I am not making it up.
I am going to try to get it on video. So far I have just managed yo get him waving. He’s so darn cute!

Can’t argue with that

We got Emily a new alarm clock to try to help her stay in bed longer. It’s a stoplight clock. During the night it stays red. When it is time to get up it turns green. We haven’t mastered the concept totally yet. This morning Emily was up while it was still red to go potty. I war to her room to tuck her back in and found her writing on her memo board in her door. Here’s how the conversation went:
Me: “Emily, the light is still red. Back to bed.”
Emily: “Not yet. I’m writing something.”
“Now Emily!”
“I’m not done!!” Writing. “Dear God. Please make Zachary feel better. His teeth are really bothering him and I want him to feel better.” “Ok mommy. I’m ready.”
My heart is full of pride on many levels. And you just can’t hurry or interrupt prayers, especially when they are so sweet.
We’ll work on the alarm clock thing another day…

Big helper!

What more is there for me to do???

The addition of another

Someone sent this to me and I love it. It is how I felt when I was pregnant with Zachary. You never know how your relationship with your first born will change when the new baby enters the picture. I was truly blessed in the fact that Emily loved Zachary immediately. We didn’t deal with a lot of jealousy or anger. My two love each other so much already. I hope they stay close as they grow up. I love watching them interact with each other now.

I walk along holding your 2-year-old hand, basking in the glow of our magical relationship. Suddenly I feel a kick from within, as if to remind me that our time alone is limited. And I wonder: how could I ever love another child as I love you?

Then she is born, and I watch you. I watch the pain you feel at having to share me as you’ve never shared me before.

I hear you telling me in your own way, “Please love only me”. And I hear myself telling you in mine, “I can’t”, knowing, in fact, that I never can again.

You cry. I cry with you. I almost see our new baby as an intruder on the precious relationship we once shared. A relationship we can never quite have again.

But then, barely noticing, I find myself attached to that new being, and feeling almost guilty. I’m afraid to let you see me enjoying him, as though I am betraying you.

But then I notice your resentment change, first to curiosity, then to protectiveness, finally to genuine affection.

More days pass, and we are settling into a new routine. The memory of days with just the two of us is fading fast.

But something else is replacing those wonderful times we shared, just we two. There are new times – only now, we are three. I watch the love between you grow, the way you look at each other, touch each other.

I watch how she adores you – as I have for so long. I see how excited you are by each of his new accomplishments. And I begin to realize that I haven’t taken something from you, I’ve given something to you. I notice that I am no longer afraid to share my love openly with both of you.

I find that my love for each of you is as different as you are, but equally strong. And my question is finally answered, to my amazement. Yes, I can love another child as much as I love you – only differently.

And although I realize that you may have to share my time, I now know you’ll never share my love. There’s enough of that for both of you – you each have your own supply.

I love you – both. And I thank you both for blessing my life.

Betrayed again…but with a better mindset.

My body doesn’t work the way it should. The fact that I had to go through IVF to conceive Emily proves that. Not only were we not able to conceive on our own but my body did not produce breast milk to feed my own child. It was a rude awakening with Emily. Never had I imagined that I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed her. It was a trying experience to say the least. The first two weeks of Emily’s life was both joyous and disappointing at the same time. I really wanted to be able to feed her. After many trips to the lactation consultant, we came to realize that she wasn’t getting any milk. With much sorrow, I succumbed and threw in the towel.

I went into the breastfeeding realm with Zachary with a whole different attitude. I was going to try to breastfeed but if it didn’t work, it didn’t work. It’s just food. Not love. Formula is not poison. Zachary latched on immediately and I could tell that he was getting colostrum. I had high hopes but realistic hopes. I would give it some time and see how it went. I was not opposed to supplementing my son. After issues with wet diapers, we decided to supplement on the last day in the hospital. I was continuing to breastfeed but wanted to make sure that he was getting what he needed in the meantime. Hoping that my milk would still come in.

I decided to be proactive. I got some Mother’s Milk Tea and Fenugreek. I was going to try to help the process along. Zachary continued to receive anything I was producing as well as some formula. And I was okay with that. A totally different story than the experience with Emily.

I am producing a little milk, not enough to sustain him, but some. The only reason is the Fenugreek. I am afraid that as soon as I stop taking it I will dry up. I continue to breastfeed before we give him a bottle. I know that he is getting the nutrition he needs as well as some added bonus from me. Every little bit of liquid gold is better than nothing. I know I won’t continue this forever but I want to do what I can for now.

Even though my body betrayed me yet again, I am in a better place. I know that Zachary is getting the nutrition that he needs and that is what counts. Everything else is just bonus.

Nappy Nap Nap

Naps are interesting here now that Emily is potty training and in a toddler bed. (I don’t want to say “potty trained” because she still does have the occasional accident and is in pull ups at night.) Some days are good and we don’t battle. Some days are ok. I only have to take her to the bathroom once. Other days are ridiculous. She’s like a jack in the box. Up and down, up and down. It’s maddening.

I decided to try a nap sticker chart. The potty chart went over really, really well so I thought I’d give this a whirl. I searched and searched the net to no avail. Frustrated, I decided to make one myself. It’s not the best but I think it will do the job.

The jist of the chart is that she has to nap 5 out of 7 days to receive a reward. The more she naps- the bigger the reward. I know 5 out of 7 days does not seem enough. Believe me, I would prefer 7 out of 7 but some weeks that is not possible. Sometimes one day during the weekend naps are brushed to the side (bad mommy) and almost every week she spends a day at Grandma’s. That day is a huge problem with naps. You are 99.7% assured that there will be no nap taken on that day. Grandma tries but it’s just too exciting.

So, we’ll see how the chart works. Hopefully it will be enough to motivate her to want to nap.